"Why Giving Compliments Raises Your Self-Esteem"

"You look Beautiful today. I love what you’re wearing. You have such a nice smile. I like the sound of your voice" (ACHECHE) :)

SELF-ESTEEM HAS BEEN a hot topic for years. And for a good reason: Low self-esteem is a source of trouble — bad marriages, social isolation, violence, lack of success, depression, conflict in the workplace, etc. Psychologists told us we could give other a high self-esteem by complimenting and praising them often. A compliment, like a gift, does as much for the giver as for the receiver. You get to experience yourself as generous and kind. You get to light up someone’s life for a moment.Giving and receiving compliments is easier with high self-esteem. But like all behaviors that interact with self-esteem, compliments are both cause and effect. That is, high self-esteem makes it easier to give and receive compliments, AND giving and receiving compliments supports higher self-esteem. You’ll also find when you start noticing good things about people, you’ll notice more good things about you too! And the more you do, the more your own self-esteem will grow. :)

                 "bonds of bitterness"

Has someone ever said or done something to you for which you found it difficult to forgive them?

Every time their very name is brought up, even if it was years ago, it still brings butterflies to your stomach. When you think of them, your heart rate increases. And you can feel your blood pressure rising when you think of what they said or did. It’s as though you were reliving it again, just thinking about it!
If so, it may be that you are in the bonds of bitterness. Which is a shame…because bitterness doesn’t even touch the person you are bitter toward, but it sure will harm you, no exceptions. According to Frankenstein, bitterness is a monster which turns on its creator, and causes internal damage beyond compare…an internal poison eating it’s way out! The other person continues their life, and may be happy and content, and never even think about you, but because you hold bitterness for them, they continue to control your life…if they do think about you, it’s in satisfaction as they can see they still get at you!

Sex Addiction Is A Legitimate Mental Disorder

Editor's Choice
Main Category: Sexual Health / STDs
Also Included In: Psychology / Psychiatry;  Mental Health
Article Date: 22 Oct 2012 - 11:00 PDT


 Although sex addiction is the basis for laughs on many television programs and in magazines and movies, the reality is that sex addiction is a condition which destroys families, relationships, and lives.

However, psychiatrists have not been quick to believe that "out-of-control sexual behavior" is a mental health condition because of lack of research on this topic. A 2010 study asked, "Is sex addiction fact or fallacy?"

Sex addiction is also called sexual addiction, sexual dependency, hypersexuality, hypersexual disorder, compulsive sexual behavior, satyriasis (males), nymphomania (females), and sexual compulsivity.

Researchers from UCLA decided to test whether "hypersexual disorder" is in fact a mental health condition.

Research psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Semel Institute of Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA, Rory Reid, lead a team of doctors and marriage and family counselors in their search to find substantial criteria to help professionals adequately make hypersexual disorder diagnoses.

The findings, which were published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, will play a role in determining whether hypersexual disorder will be part of the improved fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which has been called the "bible" of psychiatry.

According to Reid, the study is significant because it proposes that hypersexual disorder is a real mental health disease.

Reid said:

"The criteria for hypersexual disorder that have been proposed, and now tested, will allow researchers and clinicians to study, treat and develop prevention strategies for individuals at risk for developing hypersexual behavior."

In order for hypersexual disorder to be deemed an actual mental health disorder, an individual must experience repeated sexual fantasies, behaviors, and urges that last upwards of 6 months, and are not due to factors, such as medication, another medical condition, substance abuse, or manic episodes linked to bipolar disorder.

People who have this condition also must display a pattern of sexual activity as a reaction to their periods of irritated moods, for example, when they feel depressed. These individuals also use sex as a way to deal with stress.

The guidelines used to categorize people with hypersexual disorder was developed by a DSM-5 sexual and gender identity disorders work group, established for the newly revised manual.

The guidelines also say that to be diagnosed with hypersexual disorder, a person must have tried to stop or reduce their sexual activities if they believe they are becoming a problem, and have failed to do so.

"As with many other mental health disorders, there must also be evidence of personal distress caused by the sexual behaviors that interfere with relationships, work or other important aspects of life," said Reid.

To assess the standards for hypersexual disorder, Reid and his team carried out psychological testing and interviews of 207 participants throughout many mental health facilities around the U.S. All of the patients involved were trying to fix their behavior regarding a substance abuse problem, sexual behavior issue, or a different type of psychiatric condition, including anxiety or depression.

When using the suggested criteria among the patients, 88% were accurately categorized as having hypersexual disorder. The guidelines also assisted the researchers in finding negative outcomes 93% of the time. This means that the criteria helped distinguish between those who did not have hypersexual disorder and might need treatment for anxiety, depression or substance abuse, and those who did.

Reid commented: "The results lead us to believe that the proposed criteria tend not to identify patients who don't have problems with their sexual behavior. This is a significant finding, since many had expressed concerns that the proposal would falsely classify individuals."

He also mentioned that the new criteria was much more precise in recognizing hypersexual disorder among patients than other psychiatric testing methods.

"So an individual meeting the criteria for hypersexual disorder can experience significant challenges and consequences in their life. Our study showed increased hypersexual behavior was related to greater emotional disturbance, impulsivity and an inability to manage stress," Reid added.

Another important outcome of the study was that individuals who met the standards for hypersexual disorder experienced many more consequences due to their sexual behaviors, when compared with those who were suffering from substance abuse and a different medical issue.

Other findings revealed:

• 17% of the 207 patients involved in the study lost their jobs at least one time
• 28% developed a sexually transmitted disease
• 39% lost a relationship
• 78% had a disruption in their healthy sexual activity

According to the report, 54% of the patients with hypersexual disorder believed that their problems with sexual activity began before they turned 18, and 30% said that they began noticing problems between the ages of 18-25.

Reid continued: "This appears to be a disorder that emerges in adolescence and young adulthood, which has ramifications for early intervention and prevention strategies."

Different kinds of sexual behaviors were also looked at among the patients with hypersexual disorder. The researchers found that masturbation, ample amounts of pornography viewing, which resulted in sex with another adult, and cybersex were all common among these individuals.

Hypersexual patients also were found to have had sex with "commercial sex workers", such as prostitutes, had recurring affairs, and sexual partners whom they did not know - around 15 partners during the year before the study.

Reid concluded:

"It's not that a lot of people don't take sexual risks from time to time or use sex on occasion to cope with stress or just escape, but for these patients, it's a constant pattern that escalates until their desire for sex is controlling every aspect of their lives and they feel powerless in their efforts to change."

Written by Christine Kearney

 You know you’ve got to stop – but when you act out of insecurity, trying to stop means tackling a powerful psychological force head on.  After all, if it were easy, you would have done it by now.
 Fortunately, there is a scientifically-proven technique you can use to put an end to your relationship-sabotaging ways.  Recent research by Sylviane Houssais, Gabriele Oettingen, and Doris Mayer, shows that two strategies, when used together, create a particularly potent combination for bad habit-fighting: mental contrasting and if-then planning.

Mental contrasting, in a nutshell, involves thinking positively about how it will be when you achieve your goal, while thinking realistically about what it will take to get there.  First, you imagine how you will feel attaining your goal (e.g., to stop acting out of insecurity) and then you reflect on the obstacles that stand in your way.  For instance, if you want to stop calling your partner constantly, you would start by imagining the sense of calmness you would feel if you could stop giving in to the impulse, and how your self-respect and confidence would grow.  You would then spend about five minutes writing down a description of the thoughts and feelings you imagine having.
 Next, you would think about what will make not calling difficult – the feelings of neediness, fear, or jealousy that sometimes plague you.  Spend another five minutes writing about these challenges.
 Studies show that mentally contrasting your goal and the obstacles you’ll face in this way is energizing, and that it helps bring into focus what you need to do to be successful.
 Finally, you need to create an if-then plan for overcoming your obstacle.  If-then plans spell out exactly when, where, and how you will do it:  If I am in this situation, then I will take this action.  In their study, the researchers asked participants to create plans that would keep them focused on whatever it is that they are currently doing, rather than focusing on the feelings of jealousy or neediness that generate the impulse to call.

 If I am feeling jealous, then I will continue with my ongoing activities.

 It’s that simple.  If you are feeling needy while you are working, plan to just keep working.  If you are feeling jealous when you are out to dinner with your friends and he’s out with his, plan to just focus on enjoying your own meal.
 But does it work?  Yes - brilliantly.  People who used this strategy for a week reported giving in to insecure impulses only about half as often as they had before.    And while the control group (who did not use the technique) reported a drop in relationship commitment after two months, those who used mental contrasting with if-then planning reported that their relationships had become more committed.
So you really don’t need to be a victim of your own insecurities – you can learn to control how they are expressed with this very simple but powerful technique.  Of course, it’s also a very good idea to work on the source of your insecurity itself – but in the meantime you can keep it from sabotaging your happiness.

       In my years of working with couples, I have met many who thought that their primary problem, especially later in the relationship, was that they didn’t have common activities to share. I have always felt that shared activities or hobbies such as golf, the opera, or flea markets were not going to be enough to pull a damaged relationship out of the abyss. I consider those options to be enhancement to an already good relationship. I prefer to help couples develop interdependence that balances the need for connection with the need for space.
Intimacy, both emotional and sexual, is the glue that holds a relationship together for the long term. Some couples have a stable and comfortable social structure which they share, but don’t pay enough attention to the things that distinguish a committed romantic relationship from a good friendship. A strong friendship is also very important for couples, but if they lack intimacy the relationship may be more vulnerable to conflicts and affairs.
You may have noticed that at times when you and your partner feel especially close you are much less concerned with the triviality of household duties and annoying habits. Taking a long walk together, laughing after a crazy day at work, holding hands at the mall, or kissing in the kitchen are examples of small things that create connection and remind us of the reason we are together. Many women say that they are much more likely to feel sexually inclined when their emotional bank account has been filled with positive interactions. Men often report that they feel more giving and talkative when sexual needs are met.
Let’s look at closeness and see what it means for you. Check or write down items that would make you feel closer to your partner. Then number them in terms of importance for you. If you are in an intimate relationship, discussing this with your partner might be a good way to improve or maintain your connection.

 Private time with eye contact and touch
 Being alone together out of the house
 Being alone together in the house
 Having dinner and talking about the day
 Cuddling on the couch or in bed
 Sex with intimacy (talking, expressing feelings, laughing)
 Sex (not necessarily emotional)
 Sharing family time with children, relatives etc.
 Enjoying an activity with another couple
 Long vacations together just the two of you
 Vacationing with others
 Sharing any enjoyable activity – golf, bowling, dancing, playing cards
 Discussing topics of intellectual interest (such as politics, news, psychology etc)
 Talking about us, our future, our feelings, our needs
 Doing things side by side (projects at home, decorating, shopping at a home building store, cooking)
 Playing with children or grandchildren together
 Sharing quiet time at home without children
 Time spent in each other’s company doing something but not necessarily talking. (movie, TV, dinner, reading)
It is not unusual for couples to have very different preferences and priorities. Give and take will be required to bring life back into a relationship. If your romantic agenda is vastly different than your partner’s, it will be important that you learn to offer him or her things that make him or her feel loved and loving towards you. For example, if your partner needs touch to feel close to you and you prefer quality time together, you will need to become more conscious and deliberate about touching, which may not be easy for you to do. You are also asking your partner to do the same for you.
It may take time and patience for you to become more mindful of your own and your partner’s needs. However, if you insist that you have it your way, neither of you will be likely to get your needs met. Remember that having regular sexual intimacy creates emotional intimacy and being close emotionally creates sexual interest. It is a win-win because when you give, you receive.

You Can Only Change Yourself

                                                   By John M. Grohol, PsyD




       One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.
Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.
But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.
Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”
We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.
What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

                   There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).
If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.
People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.
So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.